I have had many challenges in my personal relationships. I have had problems with my finances. Facing the loss of a spouse. Someway, it seemed like my life had started four-wheeling/off-roading, and it wasn’t the fun kind. This was not the way I had planned my life. I didn’t plan on having financial insecurity in my early thirties. I planned to be financially set by then, with the correct amount of money in a 401K/ 6 months of living expenses saved up, etc. I didn’t plan on having personal issues in my mid to late twenties. I planned, that by then, all the drama would cease – myself and all around me would be mature, intelligent, and like-minded adults all living in a utopia.
I definitely didn’t plan on becoming a widow at 33. That was not in plan. That was not the way my life was supposed to happen. I mean, I felt like, I am a Christian. I am doing what God wants me to, mostly anyways. At least I am trying. So stuff like that shouldn’t happen to me right? It wasn’t in my plan. I believed that things like that happen to other people. And I dare say, that many people who are reading this still feel that way. That “those type of things” happen “to other people”. And believe me when I say this, I am not judging. Maybe in some aspects, I still feel that way. Sometimes, I feel like – I have been through so much, surely nothing else horrible can happen. Then that thought flips to a moment of fear. Panicky fear. When I have the realization that anything can happen at anytime. It isn’t a game of odds. It isn’t a checklist. God isn’t sitting up in heaven with a checklist weighing the bad things with the good – making sure we Christians have an equal amount of suffering. So that theology of mine is a moot point.
But then I think about everything. And I am going to break it down bit by bit –
1.) Finances + Kristie = no bueno. I realized I couldn’t do it myself. I prayed. And I prayed. I prayed for a job for more money. I prayed for bonus checks. I prayed for side jobs. But guess what I didn’t do? I didn’t tithe. So, I listened to a sermon about tithing – and I started being obedient. And did I become rich overnight? Of course not – but did my financial situation become manageable? It did. I had done some serious damage to myself financially, but it was amazing when I did God’s will – and not mine – how quickly my situation became manageable.
2.)People – I tried and tried to help. I was co-dependant. I wanted people to love me. I wanted approval from everyone. I would sacrifice things that I believed in to gain the approval of others. And when I became obedient - and lived the way God wanted me too, all those internal problems left. Were some relationships lost? Yes, of course. But that’s okay. I can still love and care for people without being involved. And in this, I do not mean romantic relationships, I mean – I am sure it would be applicable here – but for me personally, it was friendships.
3.)Loss of Shaun -Now this one is not near as cut and dry as the previous, hence I saved it for last. This still shocks me in a way. It was not in my plan. We were happy. Living a good life. It had been difficult to get to that point, but I felt like we had crested the hill and it was all smooth-sailing from that point. When he died, my faith was tested like never before. And I believe at points it almost broke. But it was during this time, I learned to pray. I did pray that God would bring him back. I would tell God that he could rewind time, and that it all could be erased, and no one would know. He could even wipe my memory. I prayed while holding Krissie and Jacqueline’s hands. I screamed while I prayed. I went and saw my pastor and begged him to tell my why this happened. But it wasn’t until I prayed for strength to get through – and I gave it all to God – that my heart changed. I realized, that it was not my will – it was God’s. That God had allowed this to happen for a reason. I have seen the amount and the magnitude of things that have changed since Shaun’s death. And I see the magnitude of change in myself.
I now have incredible confidence and strength in my faith. Although I would love to be a published author that’s changing the world, a person who affects people in amazing ways – I will rejoice in sitting at my desk job, and praising God the whole way – because it isn’t my will – it’s his. He loves me. He invites me to call him “Father”. I am significant to him as our children are to us. He has provided me with more than I could ever hope. More than I ever deserve. He has given me three gorgeous kids, who complete me. A man who loves me, and respects the fact that I am a widow. (Being with a widow is hard – just think about it). My little family builds me up every single day, kids and husband alike. So I am content but not complacent. I will keep praying – not my will but his. And I am sure that it is going to take me leaps and bounds above my wildest dreams.
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