Oh, how I missed it!

So, those of you that know me - know I used to do photography all the time.  But I let it go - economy tanked - needed a steady income/health insurance/etc.  But I follow a ton of blogs - everything from Christian Blogs to high fashion (and a little of everything in between).  Knowledge is power, right?  Well, that a being said I came across a photography blog, from Spain, and the author was annoyed.  He said, that photography as an art is waning - and that everyone believes, if they have a high end camera and photoshop - that they are photographers.  So he gave a challenge.  Anyone with an iPhone or iPod - to do a photoshoot only  using that camera.  He would allow filters, (such as in instagram) but nothing in anymore detail.  So, I asked my friend Brooke, if she was game - and if she wanted to be my model. Of course she was  - so we set the time for Saturday.  And I have to say - I was floored.

It was the absolutely hardest photo shoot I have done - you almost have way too much control. Not the stability of a big camera.  But here is what I noticed - I had to think.  I got to where I didn't have to think before.  I knew I could edit them the way I wanted them.  But, all that being said - I had a blast.  Brooke had fun, I had fun, and it was awesome seeing what could be done with a phone!!!

It makes me happy knowing that 'I still got it'.  It also makes me happy that with the benefit of my iPhone - what was once a business for me - is still a passionate hobby. And I really love my phone.  Like , seriously.   I was just thinking about it - and thought I'd share.  I'll post a couple so you can see... Enjoy!

Election, Embarrassment, and Egocentric.

I figure what better time to do a political post than the day before the election.  That's the way I roll... down to the last minute.  But, what I am talking about is not who to vote for - it's how we act.  I am facebooker, instagramer, tweeter, and yes... once a year I check my old myspace page.  But in this social media blitz - I have seen a lot this election year.  And frankly, a whole lot that should embarrass us.  

To be perfectly honest, I don't care who you vote for - as long as you vote.  And I think it's awesome that everyone seems so passionate about their candidates.  We want two candidates that people feel strongly about - if it was a landslide one way or another - that would be scary. But it seems the American public, and not all, but as turned to name calling.  And if we, as parents, heard our children calling other children the same thing that adults are calling the candidates - we would ground them for life. How is that okay?  What are we teaching our children about respect? Authority? Our government?

Here are things that I have seen and heard through twitter and Facebook - and they are in no particular order.

1.  Barack Obama is a complete idiot.  - Now, really?  Really!?  He definitely went to Occidental College, Columbia, and Harvard.  Have you looked at what it takes to get in there? You might not agree with his politics - but an idiot - that he isn't.

2.  Mitt Romney is an idiot.  Ok, now really!?  Really!?  He went to Brigham Young University, Harvard also, and let's not forget - the CEO of the Winter Olympics.  And from what I saw, he did a good job.  I get stressed planning a birthday part of 10 people.  Obviously, not an idiot.

3.  Barack Obama is ugly.  - I mean, come on.  First, he's not.  But who in the world makes fun of someone's looks in a political argument. (And frankly, he is a handsome man - with a gorgeous wife and kids.

4.  Mitt Romney is a pretty face - no backing. - Ok, better than ugly, but still.  He is a nice looking man, with a beautiful wife and family also.  But if we are voting for looks, can someone please tell me why David Beckham isn't on the ticket?  Just saying.

5.  Barack Obama is a terrorist.  That makes me laugh.  And cry a little too.  My son's name is much more middle eastern that our current president.  And he is blonde.  And a little country, to be honest.  He is the president.  That's ludicrous.

6.  Mitt Romney want to keep all women down.  This man has a loving and intelligent wife, and beautiful intelligent women and girls in his family.  I don't believe for one second that he wants the females of his family downtrodden and hidden.  

So, if you heard your kid calling someone a stupid, ugly, terrorist - you would probably have a conversation with them.  As, if you heard them calling someone a stupid, pretty jock, who is a racist woman hater - same would go. So what I am saying is this.  Vote for what you believe - and if you choose in public forums to post whom and why - make it a political statement - don't be mean.  We have enough meanness in this world without adding to it.  And no matter what, no matter who wins - pray for our current president, along with our future president.  Have you seen the pics of presidents when they go into office and when they come out?  They all age 30 years it seems, in only four.  I wouldn't want that job.  I couldn't do that job.  And I respect Mitt Romney and Barack Obama for willing to take on that burden.  It's more than I could ever do.  And my hearts and prayers are with them both.  

(And, I picked which order in my numbered area by first letter of first name.  No preference.  Went straight alphabetically - like my daddy says - I pick privately.)

My tips of October.

A few minor things that changed my life – Once I realized them.

1. I am in control of nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only thing I am in control of, is what come out of my mouth and how I treat people. Once you realize that – everything is a whole lot easier.
2. Don’t ever accept your job, unless you are love with it. When I was little, I wanted to be an apple (odd, I know), a firetruck (maybe weirder), a mommy. Then, when I got older, I wanted to be a dentist, a pharmacist, a geologist, and a paleontologist. I work in insurance. Will I always? Who knows. But I do know this, tomorrow I could be an actress flying to New York. Stranger things have happened. Be open to opportunity if it presents itself.
3. I was a single momma. And I wore it as a badge an honor. I was proud that I did it all by myself. But, I didn’t. It takes a village. My parents, friends, co-workers, teachers, are all involved in raising a child. So I quit taking credit – and decided to be thankful for all involved. Albeit it can seem a feat to make dinner, do laundry, and get homework done all in one night – My momma, who was happily married, did that every night – because my dad was busy working. I realized that no matter whether I am single or married, I am a mom. To three amazing kids. That’s enough of a reason to be proud. Don’t be so proud of being able to say I am “A SINGLE MOM AND I DO IT ALONE” – try saying, whether married or not, “I am a mom. And so many people help me raise them. And I am thankful for them all.” And here is the clincher – mean it. It helps ease frustration. I promise.
4. This is self-explanatory. Eat chocolate every day.
5. Kiss on the lips. Have you ever noticed, that when you pucker, your lips make a heart? So when you kiss on the lips it’s like two hearts colliding. That makes me smile. And I love seeing my two year old all puckered up to kiss his momma. (Refer to number 3 – that makes a win/win situation)
6. Self-loathing and self-deprecation is never flattering. Neither is praising yourself. It’s awful when you hear people calling themselves fat, stupid, ugly, etc. Or, thinking that they are superior because they are attractive, brilliant, or successful. Just be happy with who you are, how you are. And always be thankful. One of the most successful people I know is one of the most humble, generous, kind-hearted people I have ever met. I’ve learned a lot, just by observing him.
7. Tattoos. If you get one – love it. And if it’s in another language, make sure a trusted person designs.
8. In trendy clothes – buy throw away. You know, the kind of clothes that will only last for a season because they are cheaply made. On staples, spend the extra money and buy higher end. You will be happy you did. J
9. Let people love you and help you. Stop pushing people away who love you.
10. Love those same people back as hard and as often as you can. That you will never regret.
11. DO NOT BE BITTER. It’s a bad look. A scowl does not compliment any outfit. A smile makes you look like a million bucks, pair that with a happy heart – and you are unstoppable.

Here I am...

So, this might seem somewhat astute, but the power of God amazes me. And here is what I mean by that. Yesterday at church, my pastor was talking about if you want to hear God speak to you, look at how he has before. Well as he said that, I started talking to God in my head. Mind you, to the average onlooker, I looked deep in concentration on what my pastor was saying, but really, I was having a one on one conversation with God.

Now, if you have read this blog much, you know that I talk to God pretty bluntly. I mean, he knows what I am thinking anyway, so might as well be brutally honest. And it’s kinda funny, everytime I start – I try to start eloquently – but that quickly fails – and I am back to being blunt. And I guess in a way I was accusing him. Asking him, why isn’t it so plain to me like it seems to be for everyone else. I began to rationalize to him – I believe in you, you know that, so can you make this easier? I want to do your will. I don’t know what it is, but I want to do it. Just show me – text me – call me, I promise I won’t tell anyone. (Yep, I really thought that – not schizophrenic, just thought it might be easier, ya know?) I couldn’t understand why it seemed so clear for some and not me.

Then in my head popped up the book, the blog. And I said to him, and I am quoting my thoughts/prayers here “Is this you popping this in my head, because I want to write and blog? Because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes it feels like a chore – and I do the ‘I will do it later’. Or is this a gift that you have given me, and I will never be completely satisfied until I do it? I DON’T KNOW! (Yes, I was screaming in my head.) I mean, I have been through a whole lot. Can you cut me a break? I need a break. I need this to be a little easier. A little plainer. “ It went on and on. I blamed him for making me a widow, then thanked him for giving me faith and comfort through it all. I accused and praised – it was pretty intense in my head. I asked him to show me plainly. Something to where I knew it was him, and no one else.

So, I get on facebook – and I have a friend request from someone I don’t know. And then I noticed I had a message from the same someone. And she tells me to read what she put on her facebook wall. And I did. And well, I guess God has a sense of humor- but he spoke loud and clear to me. This sweet woman stumbled upon my blog, and her first line, “I don’t believe in coincidences.” I had discussed that with God earlier. Was all this a coincidence with the writing. Guess he was telling her through me – “Nope. No such thing.” So, Wendy, as ou thanked me for the blog, let me thank you – You helped me. More than you could know. I cry while I write this, because a new peace is found in myself. I know that the creator of the sun and stars, can hear little old me. He loves me. He wants me to obey him, and I am not as insignificant as I sometimes feel. He loves and cares for me individually – and that he has a sense of humor about the whole thing. And he gave me a cross to bear, a story to tell, and I will continue to do it with thankfulness and honor – for the gifts he’s given me. My God is wonderful. I can’t say it enough – loud enough – long enough.

Maybe my most important post ever.

I have learned a harsh lesson over the past few years. A number of them, if I am being perfectly honest. And here is one that is weighted on my heart today to tell you. And it’s the power of prayer. I know it sounds crazy, right? I mean, I am sure you all are shocked to know that I am a Christian and I believe in prayer. And here is the other thing I have noticed – it is moments of intense need that we pray with passion and ferver. I know that at times, we have all felt like we are in quicksand. Just sinking and sinking, and no matter what we grab, we might hold on – but we are just avoiding the inevitable – and we are still sinking. And I remember being on my knees and begging and pleading – “PLEASE ADD MORE MONEY TO MY CHECKBOOK!” or “PLEASE STOP THIS SICKNESS! HEAL ME!” – I could go on and on, and I am sure you could too.

I have had many challenges in my personal relationships. I have had problems with my finances. Facing the loss of a spouse. Someway, it seemed like my life had started four-wheeling/off-roading, and it wasn’t the fun kind. This was not the way I had planned my life. I didn’t plan on having financial insecurity in my early thirties. I planned to be financially set by then, with the correct amount of money in a 401K/ 6 months of living expenses saved up, etc. I didn’t plan on having personal issues in my mid to late twenties. I planned, that by then, all the drama would cease – myself and all around me would be mature, intelligent, and like-minded adults all living in a utopia.

I definitely didn’t plan on becoming a widow at 33. That was not in plan. That was not the way my life was supposed to happen. I mean, I felt like, I am a Christian. I am doing what God wants me to, mostly anyways. At least I am trying. So stuff like that shouldn’t happen to me right? It wasn’t in my plan. I believed that things like that happen to other people. And I dare say, that many people who are reading this still feel that way. That “those type of things” happen “to other people”. And believe me when I say this, I am not judging. Maybe in some aspects, I still feel that way. Sometimes, I feel like – I have been through so much, surely nothing else horrible can happen. Then that thought flips to a moment of fear. Panicky fear. When I have the realization that anything can happen at anytime. It isn’t a game of odds. It isn’t a checklist. God isn’t sitting up in heaven with a checklist weighing the bad things with the good – making sure we Christians have an equal amount of suffering. So that theology of mine is a moot point.

But then I think about everything. And I am going to break it down bit by bit –
1.) Finances + Kristie = no bueno. I realized I couldn’t do it myself. I prayed. And I prayed. I prayed for a job for more money. I prayed for bonus checks. I prayed for side jobs. But guess what I didn’t do? I didn’t tithe. So, I listened to a sermon about tithing – and I started being obedient. And did I become rich overnight? Of course not – but did my financial situation become manageable? It did. I had done some serious damage to myself financially, but it was amazing when I did God’s will – and not mine – how quickly my situation became manageable.

2.)People – I tried and tried to help. I was co-dependant. I wanted people to love me. I wanted approval from everyone. I would sacrifice things that I believed in to gain the approval of others. And when I became obedient - and lived the way God wanted me too, all those internal problems left. Were some relationships lost? Yes, of course. But that’s okay. I can still love and care for people without being involved. And in this, I do not mean romantic relationships, I mean – I am sure it would be applicable here – but for me personally, it was friendships.

3.)Loss of Shaun -Now this one is not near as cut and dry as the previous, hence I saved it for last. This still shocks me in a way. It was not in my plan. We were happy. Living a good life. It had been difficult to get to that point, but I felt like we had crested the hill and it was all smooth-sailing from that point. When he died, my faith was tested like never before. And I believe at points it almost broke. But it was during this time, I learned to pray. I did pray that God would bring him back. I would tell God that he could rewind time, and that it all could be erased, and no one would know. He could even wipe my memory. I prayed while holding Krissie and Jacqueline’s hands. I screamed while I prayed. I went and saw my pastor and begged him to tell my why this happened. But it wasn’t until I prayed for strength to get through – and I gave it all to God – that my heart changed. I realized, that it was not my will – it was God’s. That God had allowed this to happen for a reason. I have seen the amount and the magnitude of things that have changed since Shaun’s death. And I see the magnitude of change in myself.

I now have incredible confidence and strength in my faith. Although I would love to be a published author that’s changing the world, a person who affects people in amazing ways – I will rejoice in sitting at my desk job, and praising God the whole way – because it isn’t my will – it’s his. He loves me. He invites me to call him “Father”. I am significant to him as our children are to us. He has provided me with more than I could ever hope. More than I ever deserve. He has given me three gorgeous kids, who complete me. A man who loves me, and respects the fact that I am a widow. (Being with a widow is hard – just think about it). My little family builds me up every single day, kids and husband alike. So I am content but not complacent. I will keep praying – not my will but his. And I am sure that it is going to take me leaps and bounds above my wildest dreams.

And the Thunder Rolls.....

I believe it must be a true fact that I have anxiety.  I mean, I am not 100 percent sure - but I believe it has to be so.  And here is why I say this - well, here is my reason today - tomorrow it could be completely different.  But when I hear the word "tornado", "earthquake", "severe thunderstorm warming", or "hurricane" - I feel like I could puke.  Storms give me a crazy amount of fear - but let me tell ya something else?  I am obsessed with them.  I google them.  I research them.  Maybe it's because I feel like the more I know the safer I will be?  Definitely not true.

So today, not only did I feel sick, I was a nervous wreck over these "wicked" storms that were coming. I worry about the kids being scared - I worry about wrecks - trees fallen -  you name it.  And I am married to a man whom none of this phases.  I don't get it.  And I am sure, as a side note, that I drive him bonkers - because I call him about 4 times an hour to make sure he is okay.

He used to live in Florida - and has been through hurricanes - and get this - he is one of the crazies that stayed during a hurricane!!!!  I forget which, but that just doesn't make sense to me.  I feel like evacuating when there is one in Virginia Beach - and I am 3 hours away from there.  Not long ago, we went to an Orioles game - and that night - on the way home - there was freak microburst.  I was freaking out- and he was cool as a cucumber while big trees flew in front of us and the interstate was bright green from all the leaves and debris.  All he kept saying was, "I have driven through worse, Kristie.  Calm down. You don't want to wake the kids up - then they will be scared."  And he was absolutely right.

Now, I know this all seems completely random - and in a way it is - but here is a question that I pose to you.  What makes some of us panicky over somethings, and others as calm as can be? I know it's not a lack of faith -- because I have that.  I just really don't want to be impaled by a tree trunk.  And, do we work on these fears, or just let them be part of us?  I mean, is that something that just is part of who we are?  Just wondering.

And here is a bonus, I am talking to him on the phone right now - and asked him a name - and he said, "Have you ever been through one?  They are fun!" - and I say again, he's not right. But I love him. :-)

Fat Thoughts... and I don't mean PHAT....

P.H.A.T.  - one of my favorite  phrases - Pretty Hot and Tempting.  That's one of my all time favorite phrases.  I used to call myself that all the time - being silly, of course.  But as life would have it - at that time, I wasn't PHAT - I was FAT.  Straight up.  This was about 10 years ago.  And I lost it - down to 150 pounds. And guess what happened!?!?  Yup.  Gained it back.

Now, I didn't gain it all back.  And I had two more kids after I lost it all.  But it's been a yo- yo, fluctuating game since then.  I have went up and down between 150 and 210 for the past ten years.  (Just so ya know, I am 5'9").   Well, I had an epifany.  A rude awakening, if you will.  And here is what was.  I was killing myself slowly and miserably.  With a fork.  And a spoon.  And wow.  That's eye opening.

I started having issues.  My stress level was out the roof.  I was always tired.  No matter how much I slept, I felt like I couldn't get enough sleep.  And granted - a lot had been going on in my life.   But still.       I began dating my husband during this time - and he shed an amazing amount of weight while we were dating.  And what was I doing?  Nothing.

See, this man loved me more than himself.  He loved me so much that he sacrificed his own comfort.  His own vice.  His lifestyle that he was used to - so that he could be a strong, healthy man and stay around for a long, long time.  And I hadn't done that.   I had praised him for it.  Told him how proud I was of him.  But did I jump on that bandwagon?  Absolutely not.  Because, as long as I wasn't as "fat" as I was before, it couldn't be that bad.  But guess what?  It was.  And here is how.
1.  I have more shoes and jewelry than anyone should ever have.  Those things can change any outfit - which kept me from purchasing a lot of clothes, cause I hated trying on clothes.
2.  I wore a dress/bathing suit to my brother in law's Memorial Day Pool Party.  I am 35.  I wore a dress bathing suit.  A DRESS!!!!!  And let me tell ya what, If your legs are chubby, and you got wet fabric rubbing your whole leg - well in about 4 hours you will be screaming.  Just saying.
3.  My work pants hurt.  I was one of those  people who came home and had to put on sweats ASAP.

Well, I decided I had to do something.  No choice.  No looking back.  Because I realized, I had everything in this world to be healthy for.  And I am stronger than a cheeseburger.  A sundae.  I have three beautiful kids, and a man who loves me.  So I joined a program at the Gym called "Transformers" - I am sure you can guess where that goes.  And here's the thing.  I joined it to transform the outside - but a lot more has transformed than that.  It's my insides.  I have realized that I was an emotional eater.   And I would have never thought that.

I was mad, I'd get a snack.  Sad, I'd get a snack.  Lose control, snack.  And I never realized I did it - until I had to journal my food.  And not go above a certain number in calories.  When I would find myself in front of the pantry - searching - reading to see what was in my caloric limits - and realizing I wasn't hungry at all.  I still can't believe it in a way.

So here is what I am learning.  God gave me the most amazing machine to walk this world in.  And I change the oil in my car, put gas in it to make it go, get new brakes - I will not treat my car better than my body.  And frankly, that's what I had been doing.   Am I going to be a supermodel?  Maybe.  Probably Not.  But I will be healthy.  I will workout, be mindful of how my food choices affect my family.   My lack of exercise affects my family.  And  not being here would affect my family.  God has bigger things to do with me.

Have a great day - and get healthy!!!!

I'm back!

So, I have blogged for a long time. And I decided to start a blog of my thoughts and observations. So that’s where this one came from. Not only do I want, but I need, a place to verbalize my thoughts and feelings of the day. So here we are. Welcome my friends.

Now, let me give a disclaimer. What I write is just my thoughts and experiences. No one else’s. Don’t judge anyone for what I might say – it’s me and me alone. But the first thing that I want to write about, is a statement that someone made to me the other day at work. There was a newspaper article about me, and my picture was in the paper. In the article, it was mentioned that I was a member of Lifepoint Church. So here is how the dialogue went…..

“I saw your article in the newspaper…. I am so happy for you… you all looked so nice…And I never knew you were a Christian – you don’t look like one!” – said random work lady that I don’t know.
“Wow. Thanks so much! I do appreciate it – and yes, I am a Christian. But, I am curious – what do you think a Christian looks like?” – said me.

Now, that stunned her – and that wasn’t my intent. It really wasn’t - I was absolutely curious. And I am not gonna lie – it kinda made me mad. What was she saying about the way I look? But as she spoke, I had an awakening. And it saddened me. And as I thought about it the past few weeks, I have had a few revelations. First of all, I will give you a little background. I was born and raised a Southern Baptist. Growing up, when you went to church, ladies wore dresses, pantyhose, purses, etc. You got really dressed up to go. And do I think there is anything wrong with that? Absolutely not. Do I choose to do that? Absolutely not. My Sunday attire consists normally of a pair of jeans, great shoes, a Lifepoint t-shirt of some type, and a bunch of costume jewelry. And here is what I am saying first and foremost. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe that Jesus cares one iota what we wear to church – besides what our hearts are wearing. Simple as that. There is no amount of make-up, hairspray, clothing, that can cover-up what’s in our hearts.

Second, I have tattoos. Quite a few. And I love them. They all mean something to me. And I will probably get more. Who knows. But, apparently – this person didn’t think a Christian would have tattoos. Three of my tattoos are Christian based – giving glory to God. Do I wish they all were? Yes. But they aren’t. I chose to tattoo the outside of my body to where people can see what is on the inside too. Just by a glance – they know what I stand for. Now, am I saying that all Christians should get a tattoo? Absolutely not. It isn’t for everyone. All I am saying is that it’s something that I like for myself. That’s all.

So this is what I have learned – I never want anyone to be surprised by the fact that I am a Christian. I need to smile more, share more, speak more. Get the word out. Let the world know that I serve an amazing God that has brought me through more in my 35 years than I ever thought I would experience in my whole life. Be Loud and Be Proud. I am not ashamed – and I am thankful. And yes, I might look more like one of Pink’s friends… but I have the goal of being more like Jesus everyday. I know I will never succeed completely – but I will die trying. So here I am – a Rebel Saint. Outloud.