So, I am one to put personal stuff out there for the world to see - so I figure why hold back now. Shucks, I think this is my form of therapy. So here goes. Last year, I had a pap smear come back abnormal. I had to have a colposcopy and they said everything was fine. Went back 1 year and 1 day later. It's HSIL with possible glandular involvement. And I am scared absolutely to death. Like I am consumed.
I had a syncable(sp?) - episode last week - from the stress of this I am sure. I go for another colposcopy on Tuesday, the 12th. And I have no clue why I am so scared. Here's the dialogue that goes on in my head.
1. You have no symptoms - you are fine... they caught it in time... it happens to lots of people.
a. I know all that - still freaked out.
2. Put it in God's hands... He will lead you through it.
a. I know that too, still has me stressed.
I can go on and on. Everyone tells me it will be fine. I pray it will. But let's face it - I have had some bad stuff happen. And I just don't want anything else hard.
And I know how selfish that is. I mean, I a friend from high school who's child has cancer. They are fighting for his life. And here I am, worried about a test result that hasn't told me anything yet.
There are people all over this world who are worried for their kids and family to not be killed/shot/raped during the night. And I am worried about a pap smear result.
I like to think of myself as a loving, caring, concerned, and aware type of person. But you know what? This has taught me that I am self centered. That I am not so tough. And that I love my life. I love my kids. I love my husband. And I want it all to stay the same.
I have to say - this drive for life is kinda new to me. When Shaun died, I had lackadaisical attitude, if you will. Kind of like an attitude of predestination. Whatever God wanted - would happen, and I would be happy with it. I now know, that I want to live a long and healthy life. So, my friends who read this - please pray for me. My Brain, my cervix, and all my other parts. My husband. He has to deal with my level of crazy - and I feel bad for him. My doctor - because I am afraid she is going to block me from her inbox soon.
I will keep you updated - Hopefully I will know more on Tuesday.
Heart and Soul.
