The monkey and the molecule.

Ok, maybe my most important post on either of my blogs. This is one of those ground shaking moments in my life. And it all started with a monkey – Well, gorilla acutally – name Baraka. Long story short – my family and I went to the Smithsonian zoo on Saturday. Beautiful day in the District. It was 65 degrees – blue sky – not too crowded. Just absolutely perfect. We were all having fun – and I saw “The Great Ape House”. My kids and I went in, while Scott made a work call. And it was the coolest thing ever! Seeing the gorillas hopping around – putting on a show, almost. I was sitting on the steps watching my kiddos look through the glass. And you ever have that feeling someone is staring at you? Well, I had it. And I looked. And it was definitely a 350 pound gorilla – who I later found out is named Baraka.

Well, Baraka and I got in a staredown competition. And finally, when the crowd thinned out – I walked up to the glass. And Baraka, who had been sitting alone the whole time – watching the other gorillas and staring at me – got up. He got and walked directly over to me. And then, through the glass – with about an inch of glass separating us – we stood eye to eye. Nose to nose. Lip to lip. I have never been that close to any wild animal ever. And his eyes. They were full of expression and feeling. It was like looking into a human’s eyes. And my heart fell in love with him at that moment. I have had dogs and cats growing up – and loved them. But never ever have I ever seen such expression. I have thought about that precious gorilla ever since.

Now I know I sound a touch wackadoo – so be it. It’s true. But then my brain began a long thought process and research adventure. Now understand – I am a huge nerd. Geology and Paleontology are my passions. I love science. Science makes sense. Science explains so many things. From how to make coffee to cancer treatment – it’s science. So I started researching why gorillas are so humanlike. In the eyes. And here is what I learned.

We are similar. Genetically similar. God made us that way. Which is amazing to me. And one thing that I learned about us, in this research is something called Laminin. Now, what this stuff is a protein. Pretty cool - it's the stuff that holds our cells together. Kinda of like the "gorilla glue" of our body. Get it? That's some punny stuff. Yes, I meant punny.

Then my sister - told me about this guy Louie Gigilio - so I started to randomly listen to his podcasts. And guess what he talked about it one. LAMININ! How is that possible you say? Because God wanted this girl to really realize how tuned in he is to me. To each of us. If we will just listen. And here is a cool quick fact about Laminin. It's shaped like a cross. Look it up. I am so not kidding. Then, Mr. Gigilio quoted Colossians 1:15-17. If you don't know what it says, here ya go:
"He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together."

Now that is wicked cool. It's not something that we don't know per se. But when you think about how God made all things, cell by cell - bit by bit. He created amazing animals. Our human bodies. Our planet. He knew that a blue sky and green trees would look beautiful together. Our bodies are the most intricate machines ever. And I believe we take all that for granted. So today, think about it. Be thankful for it. And realize how amazing our entire lives are. How blessed we are.

Sticks and Stones...

Tonight while surfing the web, I got a great idea for a blog.  One that has affected me my whole life.  And something that I haven't conquered - but is a work in progress.  You know the old saying, "Sticks and stones can break by bones but words will never hurt me?"  Well, that's false.  First of all, I have had my fair share of run ins with sticks and stones... from falling down hills, playing sports, you name it.  But, I can honestly say - that not one single stick or stone has broken a bone. Ever.  Maybe made a bruise, but nothing that I can even really remember.  I am just sure in the course of my life so far - it has had to happen.  

Words on the other hand, can break your heart.  Words are something that can only be forgiven - not forgotten.  You know, looking back on pictures - I can remember a lot of conversations - funny little things that I had previously forgotten.  But I remember those words.  And here in the age of social media - it seems so much more prevalent.  People can say anything they want to someone, because they don't have to look them in the eye.  My rule of thumb -- if I wouldn't say it if they are sitting in front of me - I will never type it.  And that goes in all areas  --  I've been hurt enough by words - I am sure we all have -- so I don't ever want to do that to anyone else.   There has been many times I have gotten upset - said things I don't mean - and had to apologize.  And then work hundreds of times harder - to show that person that I meant it.  Kids are a perfect example.  Even when you say, "You are grounded until you are 100!" -- well, we know that's not gonna happen.  So then, when I calm down, I have to explain that I was angry, that was dramatic, and here is the actual punishment.  You get what I am sayin', I'm sure. 

But here is something that I have learned... and I do it myself.  The word "whatever", "nothing", 'I'm fine"....   I do it.  I say it.  And I know its a joke that when a woman says, "Nothing is wrong.." - that means something is.  But honestly, isn't it sometimes so much easier to say those responses?  Like, it's easier to say that you don't care - than to explain all the reasons that you do.  And I know I feel that way sometimes.  And if I do, I am sure my kids do. 

So, here's my challenge for myself.  The next time someone I love says that - I am gonna make sure that they know I am available to listen - and I want to.  

Be kind to each other.  Life is too short. 

Oh for the love of.... INK!

Yep, you guessed it.  This post is about tattoos.  And the reason that I am writing it, is because of my adoring husband.  This week, my sweet sweet husband, got my name tattooed on his left arm.  And although some folks think it is insane, I'm sure, it's one of the sweetest things that anyone has ever done for me.  I know I am permanently on his heart, but anyone who looks at him, will see that.  Some people say it's bad luck, that's it's silly... but to one who has tattoos - it's a huge level of commitment that made me feel amazing.  He made me feel like the most beautiful person on this planet.  He makes me feel that way everyday, but it was just such a bold step - and something I never ever thought he'd do.

My mom is not a fan of tattoos, especially on her daughters.  And we both have them.  That being said, the only thing she has ever said is, "I don't know why you wanna do that.  I just don't get it."  But she has never been mean or ugly about it.  And I completely respect that she doesn't like them - but I respect her even more that she lets me know her opinion - but doesn't judge me for them.  But here is my theory on ink.  My tattoos commerate the most important people and things in my life.  Who I am and what I stand for.  It is something I look at in the mirror, and it reminds me of what is important.  I have a "Jesus Fish" on my shoulder with flowers.  Jesus is the center of my life, is the source of all beauty in my life, and Jesus always has my back.  I have an "Om" symbol - which is about recognizing our experiences as a reflection of the whole universe moves, the sun rising, the moon setting, the ebb and flow of waters, and the beating of our hearts.  Surrounding that, is my kids initials.  They are my world here on this earth.  My wrist has a cross, that me and Krissie got.  It was something we did together - because our bond will always be.  She helped through the worst times of my life, and celebrated the best times.  Then I have the tattoo of Shaun's.  It's a celtic cross, which was on his back, on his memorial service work, and his name.  Above that is the word "BeautifuLL".  He used to tell me that I am beautiful with two big L's.  Hence that tattoo.  Everytime I look at it I smile.  It reminds me of him - and the biggest learning experience of my life.  Albeit it was a horrible time, I grew more as a person, a mother, a daughter, and a friend.  I learned how much God loved.  How he allowed me to live through such a horrible time.

Then, I have "THE" tattoo.  And no, it's not the word "the".  It was my intent to get the chinese symbol for wisdom on my ankle, as a reminder to always walk in wisdom.  Well, after a most shocking pedicure, I learned that my "wisdom" tattoo, actually mean "year".  So, Wisdom went straight out the window on that one.  So, now that tattoo has changed it's meaning and I learned some stuff from it.  First, I am not chinese - I can't read it, and maybe should used google rather than trusting someone else to do it.  Second, I say now, it means "the year of Kristie"  - I mean, it is on ankle.  And third, it taught me to laugh.  I will never, ever, ever, ever forget the look on Krissie's face, sitting beside me in the pedi chair, and dude tells us what my tattoo means.  She googles it on her phone... and can't stop laughing.  I've never seen her laugh that hard.  So, in all my wisdom, I learned to laugh at myself.  Because even if I try to be deep - it just might be hilarious.

This is the guy who informed me what my tattoo meant...LOLOL!

So, there's the story.  And what's on my brain.  And remember, tattooed people love you - even if you don't have a tattoo!

Motivated... or maybe not....

I had one of those days at work... You know the type of day.... When you leave you feel completely sucked of all motivation.  So, being a googler (if that's even a word) - I decided to google something motivating.  And what I found was hilarious.  Well, hilarious in a sick and twisted way.  So here is just a snippet of my brain right now.

Most every article I looked at said, "Do you have ADD?" or... "Feel unmotivated? Reward yourself!".  And here is what I am thinking.  Many people I know have ADD or ADHD.  And motivation isn't a problem.  I find it almost insulting to people with that diagnosis being labeled as unmotivated.  

Second, and maybe the saddest, is "Reward yourself."  Maybe I am being cynical.  Maybe I am in a mood.  But really?  Maybe that's part of the problem.  Maybe we have become so accustomed to getting something for nothing - for just doing what we should do - that we have become unmotivated to do anything.  That's just sad.  

I felt like everything that I read what excusing it.  So, here's my thoughts.  Feeling unmotivated?  Get up and do it anyway.  You will be glad you did. 

So, my being unmotivated just motivated me.  That's ironic.  I wanna be motivated just to be a functioning member of society and doing my part.  Maybe my being unmotivated was a moment of laziness.  I will probably unmotivated again, but at least I wrote a blog about it - that took some effort, right? 

I'm Scared.. That's all I can say.

So, I am one to put personal stuff out there for the world to see - so I figure why hold back now.  Shucks, I think this is my form of therapy.  So here goes.  Last year, I had a pap smear come back abnormal.  I had to have a colposcopy and they said everything was fine.  Went back 1 year and 1 day later.  It's HSIL with possible glandular involvement.  And I am scared absolutely to death.  Like I am consumed.

I had a syncable(sp?) - episode last week - from the stress of this I am sure.  I go for another colposcopy on Tuesday, the 12th.  And I have no clue why I am so scared.  Here's the dialogue that goes on in my head.

1.  You have no symptoms - you are fine... they caught it in time... it happens to lots of people.
a.  I know all that - still freaked out.

2.  Put it in God's hands... He will lead you through it.
a.  I know that too, still has me stressed.

I can go on and on.  Everyone tells me it will be fine.  I pray it will.  But let's face it - I have had some bad stuff happen.  And I just don't want anything else hard.

And I know how selfish that is.  I mean, I a friend from high school who's child has cancer.  They are fighting for his life.  And here I am, worried about a test result that hasn't told me anything yet.

There are people all over this world who are worried for their kids and family to not be killed/shot/raped during the night.  And I am worried about a pap smear result.

I like to think of myself as a loving, caring, concerned, and aware type of person.  But you know what?  This has taught me that I am self centered.  That I am not so tough.  And that I love my life.  I love my kids.  I love my husband.  And I want it all to stay the same.

I have to say - this drive for life is kinda new to me.  When Shaun died, I had lackadaisical attitude, if you will.  Kind of like an attitude of predestination.  Whatever God wanted - would happen, and I would be happy with it.  I now know, that I want to live a long and healthy life.  So, my friends who read this - please pray for me.  My Brain, my cervix, and all my other parts.  My husband.  He has to deal with my level of crazy - and I feel bad for him.  My doctor - because I am afraid she is going to block me from her inbox soon.

I will keep you updated - Hopefully I will know more on Tuesday.

Heart and Soul.

The day I realized I am not Michelle Obama...

Ok, ok, I don't have a personality disorder.  But hang with me, and you will get where I am going.  For all of those who are shoppers extraordinare, you are probably aware of the Nordstrom line that was at Target.  I wasn't much into it, because it still seemed mega pricey to me - especially to be at Target, but there was a dress I was in love with.  It looked like something that Michelle Obama would wear.  And I don't care what your politics are - that is a beautiful woman, who dresses amazing, and carries herself like a champ.  One of the few women that can make biceps look elegant in a sleeveless dress.  I just knew if I owned this dress, I would be the same.  Striking, elegant, commanding the attention of others, in a  demure way.  But, it was $99.99, and I didn't think all those things should cost that much from Target.

Well, my friend from work informed me that she purchased said dress last week for 50% off!!!! Now, that, I would consider.  So off to Target we go on our lunch break, so I too, can own a Michelle Obama dress.  What began to transpire is a horror story - something that shouldn't happen to anyone.  Ever.  We walk in - and there it is - Not at the price point of $49.99 - but $29.99!!!!!! (Sorry Target, I know your Nordstrom stuff didn't do great - but this excited me!)  So, I rummage through the dresses, find my size, and almost sprint to the dressing room.  I know I am going to look beautiful in this dress.  I have to.  The dress is so gorgeous!!!!  And then...... I put it on.

Boy, was I wrong.  Let's just say, it was cut in a way up front, that showed more than what it should have on my body type.  I'll just say it - THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH BOOBS!  (One of those things where on a different shape it would look amazing - not knocking the dress - just me in the dress.) And it isn't the type of dress where I could where a tank top under it.  So, a touch sad, I start to take it off. And then tragedy befalls me.  The zipper will not budge.  It zips up to the bottom of your neck - and it wouldn't budge an inch. At all.  I wrangle myself enough out of the dress to get it twisted around so the zipper is now in front, thinking that would get me a better hold on it.  Still will not budge.  I start to panic.  I am trapped half naked in what I once thought was an amazing dress.  Bet that stuff doesn't happen to Michelle Obama.

Then I had an epiphany.  I pick up my cell phone and call my friend who came with me.  You can imagine that short conversation - and she comes to the dressing room.  What does she do?  Start cracking up.  I have to admit - it was probably quite a sight - me all red-faced and panic stricken, dress half down and backwards - frantically telling her to help me.  She tries, and guess what - ITS STUCK!!!!  When you see concern in your friends face, you know it's time to worry.  We work and work, and she finally breaks me free.  It was intense.  I hug her and do a little dance of jubilation in the dressing room.  I have never gotten dressed so fast in my entire life.

I blog this to tell you this....  My lessons from the Dressing Room, if you will...

1.  I am not Michelle Obama.
2.  Don't take stock in material things - you might think that they may make you feel one way - but, it reality it will be the exact opposite - and maybe much worse.
3.  Always take your cell phone into a dressing room.
4.  Your true friends will always be there for you - no matter the situation - and never take that for granted.
5.  No matter how bad things seem, they can always be worse.  Always.  And people are always there to help you.  Let them help you - and don't be afraid to ask.
6.  And did I say make sure you take your cell phone into a dressing room?
7.  Never underestimate the power of the secret service - I guarantee they wouldn't have let her get trapped in that dress.

So here is what I am saying, no matter how bad your situation? People can help you if you take the initiative to help yourself.  And no matter how dire the situation seems?  There is an end to it - it will resolve itself.  It's been a few days - and I am not in the dress.  I hope I made you laugh, and think - cause this was one a bit embarrassing - ehhh... shoot - It's funny.

Oh, how I missed it!

So, those of you that know me - know I used to do photography all the time.  But I let it go - economy tanked - needed a steady income/health insurance/etc.  But I follow a ton of blogs - everything from Christian Blogs to high fashion (and a little of everything in between).  Knowledge is power, right?  Well, that a being said I came across a photography blog, from Spain, and the author was annoyed.  He said, that photography as an art is waning - and that everyone believes, if they have a high end camera and photoshop - that they are photographers.  So he gave a challenge.  Anyone with an iPhone or iPod - to do a photoshoot only  using that camera.  He would allow filters, (such as in instagram) but nothing in anymore detail.  So, I asked my friend Brooke, if she was game - and if she wanted to be my model. Of course she was  - so we set the time for Saturday.  And I have to say - I was floored.

It was the absolutely hardest photo shoot I have done - you almost have way too much control. Not the stability of a big camera.  But here is what I noticed - I had to think.  I got to where I didn't have to think before.  I knew I could edit them the way I wanted them.  But, all that being said - I had a blast.  Brooke had fun, I had fun, and it was awesome seeing what could be done with a phone!!!

It makes me happy knowing that 'I still got it'.  It also makes me happy that with the benefit of my iPhone - what was once a business for me - is still a passionate hobby. And I really love my phone.  Like , seriously.   I was just thinking about it - and thought I'd share.  I'll post a couple so you can see... Enjoy!